Freaking Tom Bergeron

Gerry's World: When you get old and you have an angioplasty, you want some company. The kids are all moved out (thank god) and Betty's at the clinic all day, so to make me a little less lonely, we rented out the upstairs of our house to some strange lady, and let's be honest. She hasn't done much to endear herself to me. First, when she moved in, I met her GIGANTIC BIRD, a blue-and-gold macau named Garfield. According to Wikipedia, "Even the most well cared for Blue-and-Gold Macaw will "scream" and make other loud noises, nonetheless, it is possible to make them silent." Well, my new neighbor kept Garfield on the same floor that I live on, where I found out that Wikipedia is perfectly correct. I hired Chevy Chase to tell her to move the bird elsewhere; he did his pretty inaccurate imitation of me and had the lady in stitches. I'd like to put Chevy Chase in stitches, but I'm saving my energy. For what, you might ask? The dedication of my school's new building that's not named after me? Perhaps...if I get a clear shot at that Weill jerk. But really, my main reserves of energy will be dedicated to the letter-writing campaign I am starting here and now to get someone to kick Tom Bergeron's ass. For really, his ass must be kicked. He's right up there with Nancy Grace in my book.

Tom Bergeron, for the uninformed, is the host of So You Think They Can Dance or Dancing With the Stars or Two Hours of Wasted Time Each Week or whatever the hell that show's called. Look at who their celebrities are: Joe(y) Lawrence with Howie-Mandel-hair, the Crossfire guy that Jon Stewart called a dick, and Slater from Saved by the Bell. If they were smart about it, they'd have only the former stars of Saved by the Bell on that show - can you imagine everyone trying to outdance each other with regular ballroom dancing moves, and then Jesse Spano coming out and doing some of the pole dancing she learned in Showgirls? Maybe Mr. Belding could host instead of that awful, awful man, Tom Bergeron.

Let's take a look at Tom Bergeron's esteemed television résumé, shall we?

He started on Granite State Challenge, a local game show on New Hampshire public television.
Then, Hollywood Squares.
Worse: America's Funniest Home Videos.

None of these are good shows. None of these are even okay shows. Perhaps he can simultaneously co-host Extra! and appear on The Surreal Life to make me absolutely want to donkey-punch myself when I look directly into his eyes. And what would make me want to do that? Because his eyes are dead, stuffed with insincerity. I caught him excessively-cherrily introducing the ABC fall line-up this evening. He did one segment from Wisteria Lane, getting all in the personal space of Eva Longoria and the big guy who plays her husband. It's hard to imagine that anyone would have less chemistry with Gabby than her husband, but Tom Bergeron succeeded! Oh god, he makes me wish I'd started a nuclear war and kept him from ever rising to such prominence.



Honestly, how does he even live with himself?

I'm too bothered to even write anything else tonight. Forgive me. More tomorrow. Oh wait - I started this out talking about my upstairs neighbor. I told you about her because she's moved from annoying me with a bird to apparently either dropping heavy things or moving safes and heavy furniture around all night when she gets back from work. I will say that the bird makes not a peep during all this. Maybe this is what she does to soothe it.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry