For Purposes of Clarity

Front Page: One of my favorite things about not being president is that I get to watch other presidents squirm during press conferences. I mean, there have been some great awkward moments in the pressroom, and that other room where Clinton said he didn’t have sex with that woman. Bush chose the Rose Garden for his last stare down with the media, and you can see why from the picture. Look at the beautiful roses behind him!



Or whatever; maybe all red flowers are called roses in Texas. Anyway, the president had quite the time of it when it came time for him to speak, which I guess is the point of him holding a press conference. Here’s a quote, about interpreting the Geneva Conventions: “What does that mean, ‘outrages upon human dignity’? That’s a statement that is wide open to interpretation. And what I am proposing is that there be clarity in the law so that our professionals will have no doubt that that which they are doing is legal.”

Well, the president’s confusion is completely understandable. I’ve often wrestled with what’s an outrage upon human dignity, and what’s merely an indignation towards human dignity, or what’s an outrage just on human self-esteem, or even what’s an outrage upon platypus dignity, because there’s a lot of subtle policy variations that can really piss off the wrong constituency. Many shades of grey, that’s all I’m saying. So what I did was, during my administration, I kept a list of things that were and were not outrages upon human dignity. That way, I could keep all those tedious torture methods clear in my head.

I’m not sure if the president is reading my blog yet, but I figured I’d share that list with you now, here, below:

Blackmail — not an outrage
Abacination — look it up. That’s an outrage.
Being Kept in Confined Spaces — not an outrage
Shunning — not an outrage
Forced Labor — not an outrage
Goat Tongue — have you heard of this? First, you soak your victim’s feet in salt water. Then, you let a goat lick the soles, which tickles immensely (I’m told), but since the goat’s tongue is real rough, it will gradually strip all the flesh from the feet, right down to the bone. This is gross, but awesome, and therefore not an outrage.
Flaying — outrage
Waterboarding — outrage
Whipping — outrage
Being Urinated On — this used to be an outrage, until I saw that episode of Friends where two of the guys pee on one of the girls to neutralize a jellyfish sting, so now I’m okay with it.
Constant Shouting/Yelling — is constant whispering or murmuring an outrage? No. Neither’s this.
Judas Chair — outrage (those Spanish Inquisition folks meant business)
The Rack — outrage
Chastity Belt — honestly, who’s enthusiastic about having sex when they’re military prisoners, being prodded for information?
Forced Ingestion/Injection of Psychotropic Drugs — not an outrage
Electric Chair/Gas Chamber — outrage, except when used on American prisoners, am I right?
Burial Alive — It’s like a really, really long MRI. Plus, I saw Kill Bill: Vol. 2, so I know that if you train with martial artists, it’s possible to get out, so that’s not an outrage.

I hope I’ve helped someone today.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry