Guest Blogger: Gin Rummy!

Donald's Corner: Greetings, possible terrorists. Gerry is sleeping right now - I'm having people monitor his breathing to see if there are terrorist codes embedded in its pattern, so while that's going on, I'm guest blogging.

Now, I haven't blogged before - my milieu is mostly the press conference - though I have appeared on the internets before. Still, in order to invest the proper amount of time to this, I decided I better quit my day job.

So what do I want to talk about here? What does anyone want to talk about online? Well, I figured I'd talk about Iraq and why I think we're there. There's a difference, after all, between being there and being there. Are we there to find weapons of mass destruction, or depose Saddam Hussein, or to stop terrorism? And are we there for some greater purpose, so that young men and women can discover themselves in ways that they otherwise could not: through the ruthlessness of battle and the social dysentery of living in the desert? I hope that clears things up, though I think neither is true.

Really, I think we're there to find out how to make the Iraqis laugh. Do they giggle when our non-armoured tanks are blown up by land mines? Do they chortle or belly laugh when they have some infidels to play 'freedom fighter' to their own straight man? This is crucial stuff to determine if we're going to win this war on terror. In fact, one might say that winning the war on terror means that the terrorists lose their war on humor.



With that in mind, I've given some thought to some movies we could show to the few thousand Iraqi civilians we've managed to spare so far, so that they understand where we're coming from and cease their senseless violence; that way, we can discontinue our own senseless violence. Without further ado...

Movies That Every True Patriot Finds Funny, and What the Terrorists Can Learn About Us From Them

Carnal Knowledge: Even Art Garfunkel can find many lovers. If the terrorists accept this as true, then none of them will feel the need to do those suicide bombings anymore so they can get forty virgins in heaven. Art Garfunkel can find forty virgins here on Earth! Art Garfunkel! Really!

American Graffiti: This movie revolves around the voice of Wolfman Jack. Have you seen this guy? In another life, he'd have been locked up on trumped-up charges in Guantanamo years ago thanks to the Patriot Act. But instead, the Americans embrace him and his taste in music. Terrorists - lay down your weapons, become DJs, and we will embrace you, too!

Annie Hall: Woody Allen reveals us - particularly the Jews among us - to be terrified of lobsters. If you really wanted a clever and effective plot against us, make sure it involves live lobsters, you terroristas. On second thought, do not watch this movie.

Ghostbusters: The terrorists are always whining from their caves about how Americans are westernizing their culture. Well, feast your eyes on this hilarious flick, in which a team of bohemian ghostbusters eliminate the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Stay-Puft is not just a gigantic ghost - he is a paean to corporate culture. Either way you look at him, the ghostbusters' exorcism of him shows how little we really value those brands that we allegedly spread all over the world.

Three Amigos: If you think that perhaps we've not been welcomed as liberators elsewhere, look no further than this classic film, in which a Mexican town invites three of our bravest soldiers to defend them against their own domestic terrorist. We show this movie to all our troops before deployment so that they have some idea of what to expect abroad from civilians.

So I Married an Axe Murderer: I've never seen this, but as the title suggests, we take all kinds here in America. As long as you renounce your allegiances and values, you're free to cross our borders.

D2: The Mighty Ducks: The message here is clear: the Americans will beat anyone who challenges us. In this movie, Iceland learned the hard way.

There you have it. As long as the terrorists and Iraqis - sorry for the redundancy - watch all these movies and try to understand where we're coming from, then I think everyone will get along.



You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time,
Rummy