Correspondence & In Cognito

Front Page: Wow, you guys! Soooooo much to catch you up on. First, primary season’s just about done and the stretch run for November has officially begun, so some young buck in the GOP sent me this internal memo. I know ‘internal’ usually means it’s secret and all, but I figured I’d post it here on the blog both because I’m sorry about not posting yesterday and because it’s not like I’m putting this stuff up where everyone can see it – it’s just my blog, after all. Anyway, without further ado…

Re: Campaign Strategy

The Democrats have unveiled their new message for the midterm elections this fall, and it’s the same old same old.

Cut and run. Cut and run.

We’ve hammered them on this before, of course, but lately, because of our alleged miscues, voters seem more susceptible to this catchy slogan. Personally, I’m befuddled as to why the Dems would make cutting and running such an integral part of their party’s platform. Scissor safety is just as important today as it was in the turbulent sixties, when sharp objects were first invented, especially for our vulnerable and clumsy children. Why would Democrats want to associate themselves with such a dangerous policy, and why would the citizenry support their risky scheme?

Alas, this is the confusing political landscape with which we’re faced, and so we must counter ‘cut and run’ with an equal and opposite reaction. Here are some of my ideas:

• Stay put, stay safe.
• We have a scissor schism with the other side.
• This policy is not a double-edged sword.

Really, there are myriad possibilities, but the point must be made that the Democrats are plain wrong on this issue. I have young kids at home – I don’t let them go to public school with all the crack babies except on standardized testing dates, but if I did, I wouldn’t want some politician contradicting what their underqualified teacher might have taught them: namely, don’t cut and run. In fact, maybe this is the issue that will finally sway the teachers’ unions over to our side – I know they’ve been teetering our way ever since the intelligent design debate.

Maybe the real question is this: why are so many people moving towards this cutting and running policy? Well, it’s permissive of a practice that’s been ingrained in us as forbidden, sort of like the legalization of porn, or prison rape, or dissent. But maybe people just want to live more dangerously. Well, they don’t know how good they have it – a whole population that’s lived free of accidental self-stabbings. But if we turn back the clock on this necessary policy, we let the scissors win.

The Democrats’ stance is particularly insidious because if you give scissors an inch, they’ll chop your thumb off, and our changing-hearts-and-minds strategy won’t work because they don’t have either! Scissors are just ruthless killing machines, easily infiltrating our drawers and organizers because we’ve appeased their kind for so long that their presence has become commonplace. In short, they’ve been lying in wait for years.

What else can we do? My friends, the choice is obvious: we must re-instill a healthy fear of cutting and running in voters in time for the midterm elections. I’m thinking of ads in which a bleary-eyed, disturbingly-angry-looking woman (a little frumpy, but kind of hot, too) faces the camera and recites a script, something like:

My son didn’t know better. He didn’t know not to trust the Democrats. When they said, “Cut and run,” next thing you know, he’s tearing around the house, scissors in hand. His brother’s marbles were all over the floor, of course – you can guess the rest. The Democrats killed my son. [sob] They killed him.

If we play that in close races across the country, folks (particularly security moms) will come back to us. Then, we can focus on more important things, like fighting terrorism in Iraq. Good luck, everyone.

Yours,
Jim Laudly
Campaign Strategist

Hey - this is Gerry again. It really feels good to know that someone out there wants to keep me included. There's times when I feel so alone, but then little messages like this make me know I'm being thought of. I think this is brilliant and sharp stuff from our men behind the scenes.

One thing that doesn't make me feel good is that, for the umpteenth year in a row, the MacArthur Foundation handed out their Genius Grants, and for the umpteenth year in a row, I didn't get one. What does it take, huh? Just because people thought me clumsy during my administration, and just because I've been playing golf instead of doing humanitarian work like Clinton and Carter since I left office doesn't mean I don't deserve having my very own genius to help around the house and keep me company. I'm not sure why they're all named Grant, but I could even get over that. I could use a genius to teach me how to cheat at Sudoku, so it's easier to keep my wits about me (though I guess that's what this blog is supposed to do, too). Still, color me disappointed.

People With Nicknames: Today kicks off a fun new section of my blog. Because the Secret Service and my family worry that I might reveal too much information about them on here (though, honestly, what are the chances of that? I mean, who reads these blog thingies?), I've decided that I'm going to assign other names to make people who appear often in my blog completely anonymous.

"Awesome Dude"
I met this guy a long time ago, and we've basically grown up together. He played football at the University of Michigan, did some other stuff, became Vice-President & then President (of the United States), and now basically spends his days being totally great and cool and everything. He's bald, but that's not a liability. At all.

"Not-Betty"
Not-Betty is not my wife. I am not married to her. Obviously. I mean, otherwise her name would be Betty. Are you paranoid that I'm not telling you the truth? Put down the reefer and get a grip. You should be ashamed of yourself, not trusting an ex-president like me or Awesome Dude. [note: Not-Betty, I think the ruse is working! No one will suspect!!!]

"The LLama"
Notice how I capitalized both L's in 'llama.' That's not a typo. It's a clue. Fortunately, it's a clue that's probably waaaaay too subtle for everyone who reads this, which is probably no one, which is why I can say anything I want. Anyway, The LLama is kind of annoyingly good with numbers. She's pretty much interested in everything I'm not. I like poetry and velvet Elvis paintings and rain tapping on my windows at night; The Llama likes data and the property value of Graceland and barometers.

"Gunner?"
There's this other kind of short guy I see around every once in a while, but who I saw a lot more last year. He got married over the summer and now he's going to law school. He's changed, man. Maybe if he were around more, I wouldn't feel the need to have my own genius from the good people at MacArthur so much. I can't quite imagine him in law class, 'cause he doesn't seem like the vicious type, but I can kind of see his classmates being envious of his gift for gabbing.

Okay, enough for now. Hogan Knows Best is on. (When will the Hulkster and his wife learn to give Brooke some space?!)

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry