One Hurdle to Sanity

Gerry's Corner: So I've been having some difficulties reconciling with my age. My paramour and I were both pretty frustrated with our conjugal visit, so she up and left me yesterday. Was it because we were worried that Not-Betty might find out about our secret love? Was it because, at 94, I'm not as virile as I used to be? No and no. It's because I have so much work to do that I feel like I'm literally drowning in it! I've got my ex-presidential duties and legacy to maintain, and I feel like I've been failing at that lately, not being able to play golf with Bob Hope since he died and faking an illness to keep away from the dedication of Ford Hall. I look at Not-Betty and her clinic and compare it to my little old library on the North Campus of the University of Michigan, and I think maybe she should have been president, even though everyone knows that's illegal. My many, many trips to the kitchen for snacks between snacks between meals take me longer now that I'm not quite as speedy as I was in my youth. Plus, I've got the visits with all the kids and the grandkids, as well as the press releases I have to prepare every time I land myself in the hospital (legitimately or not). Never mind all the shows I like to watch: Charlie's Angels, Wonder Woman, Baretta, Hawaii Five-O, and Little House on the Prarie. I've got no time for illicit affairs is all I'm saying, but I have to, because my secret lover is pretty cute and all.

So I want to give something up. I have to, in order to make myself sane - there aren't enough hours in the day! Not-Betty talks to me all the time about quitting, and about the things I should give up, and I agree with her, but she cautioned me this time to only quit one thing at a time. So what do I let go first?

Option 1) Give up ex-presidential duties. Not happening - I'm an ex-president. It's an exclusive club, and it's not like I can get unelected from it. People have certain expectations of you once you've left office, and I've been so poor at it so far that I can't afford to drop it now.

Option 2) Stop eating. Can't do that, either. Walking to the kitchen is part of my exercise these days, and I need food to live.

Option 3) Stop visiting the kids and grandkids. While this is a tempting possibility, if it got leaked to the public that I'd rather not spend time with my family, it would make it a lot harder for me to accomplish anything substantive in the rest of my days. Plus, I probably wouldn't get that Gerald R. Ford School of How to Be a Good Father and Husband built anytime soon, either. No, I better just keep my feelings about my family bottled up inside, on my blog.

Option 4) Stop writing press releases (or getting sick). No more pretending to get sick for me, so I've got a duty to comfort the public that worries so about me whenever I check into the ol' geriatric ward. Can't quit that.

Option 5) Stop watching my shows. I just can't. I mean, I know Hawaii Five-O's been on for years, and it probably jumped the shark a while back, when they started exploring Danno's sexual orientation, but I can't resist it or any of the other offerings. I mean, Michael Landon = Major Hottie, even when he's playing someone Amish or whatever. I gots to have my stories.



Option 6) Wait, there is no other option. Am I destined to be a slave to this routine for the rest of my days? Isn't there anything I can change to give me more time with my mistress? I mean, I've listed everything that takes up any time during my waking hours, except for using the bathroom and stuff, but that's gross and doesn't count. Well, I guess there's nothing to do but continue moping and take notes on what to write about for my next blog entry. Oh, and I've got to watch some DVDs so I can return to offering reviews for you all on this blog. And maybe I'll talk to some other people in the blogosphere about how to improve my blog, so I can write really long entries.

If only there was something I could do to give myself more time during the day...

If I could just eliminate one thing that's completely unnecessary in order to save some daylight...

Well, if I come up with any ideas, I'll definitely blog about them next time!

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry