PU!

Gerry's Corner: No, I'm not talking about Purdue University, or planets uniting. I'm talking about the neighborhood skunk that's once again made it so that I've had to have our servant boy (by which I mean my second-eldest son) come by and shut all the windows. And yet, the stench seems to be able to permeate glass!. Is there nothing we can do to defeat nature? Sure, President Bush can tell us all about how global warming will one day melt all the skunks in the world so that, long-term, we'll never have to smell them again, but what about an old codger like me? I haven't got the five or ten years it'll take for global warming to do that to these nuisances! Someone really out to invoke the nuclear option here.

Other things that are making me mad include Mr. Sanford Weill, as always, and, more surprisingly, my Life's Little Instruction Desk Calendar, Volume XI. Faithful readers of my blog might recall that I vowed to follow the advice that each day offered. After all, I have every confidence that each nugget of wisdom is copiously brainstormed, researched, and edited by a team of knowledgeable gurus, psychologists, and important thinkers. But then, I've been pretty surprised by what I've torn off for a few days recently. For instance...

Thursday, September 28: "Don't waste too much time playing sports. Your mind is the muscle that most needs exercising."
To which I say: That's fine for me. I'm ninety-freaking-four. But what if some young whipper-snapper has this desk calendar? It's possible - lots of people younger than me have desks. Maybe some well-intentioned parent bought it for a child. Is sloth a good thing to encourage? Is there really no value in sports? Do they think you don't use your mind in a lot of sports? For crying out loud, no wonder all the children in America are fat and lazy and worthless and wind up at useless graduate schools like the one with my name on it.

Wednesday, October 4: Remember, to win is simple: take just one more step when all the others have quit.
To which I say: Only someone with no understanding of sports would say this. And, obviously, that's who we're dealing with here. You could win quite simply in the manner recommended if you're competing in an endurance contest. Certain Real World/Road Rules Challenge events come to mind. Maybe a game of walk-until-you-drop? But let's say someone heeds this instruction and goes to his track meet at school that afternoon, to run the dash. And he and his opponent break evenly from the start, but the opponent, Speedy McFastTwitch, quickly builds a commanding lead and wins the sprint by several yards. The lad who adheres to the desk calendar's advice diligently counts his opponent's steps, counts his own, and then takes one more step than the victor of the race and raises his own hands in triumph. "I've won!" the confused lad will shout with glee. Then, there'll be challenges, fisticuffs, arrests, riots, looting, death of the first-born...you see where I'm going with this.

Saturday/Sunday, October 7/8: Never loan money to a man in a powder-blue tux.
To which I say: But he looked so down on his luck!



Speaking of well-dressed people, it's time to introduce the new Project-Runway and Donald-Rumsfeld-inspired feature of my blog. People keep saying that we need to stop Islamofashion. But really, aren't there more important things to care about? I mean, Islamofashion has its advantages. For one, liberals (and/or libertarians) are always crying about government infringements on their privacy "rights." Well, if you throw on a burka, voila! An extra layer of anonymity! Of course, you can still maintain your individuality while in the grips of Islamofashion. These lovely women are on their way to the student section of the Michigan-Wisconsin football game, during the 'Maize Out':



I'm going to convince Not-Betty to pick one of those up for herself when we're in Ann Arbor. Yup, Islamofashion sure is hot.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry