Awake and Adrift

Gerry's Corner: Hey, folks. Sorry to inflict Don on you - sometimes he just needs a shoulder to cry on. And I checked out a few of his funny movies, too. I hadn't known I wasn't a full-fledged patriot. Now that I've seen Art Garfunkel score with the ladies, though, I am.

But other than that, I'm feeling a little...how do the French say it? I don't know what. Filled with malaise? That's probably it. I mean, I'm about to turn 98 next week, and I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Sure, I could run for president, but I've already done that.

One of our servant women was watching the flat-screen television in my lounge when I awoke and, after I told she had to give me a sponge bath and then dress me if she wanted to stay, she said, "Retirement must really suit you."

I looked at her and said, "You know, I don't know if that's right." And I'm not sure if it's the best choice I could have made. But then I look at all the other paths I could have chosen and none of them seemed right either. For instance...

Volunteer Fireman: I'm familiar with ladders, but I've never seen a fireman use a hook before. Maybe a pool boy, but not a fireman. It would be too embarrassing to show up at Volunteer Firefighting 101 and have everyone laugh at me when I was forced to reveal that I didn't know what the hook was for, because it's probably something really obvious.



Sausage Maker: They say that sausage is like legislation - you don't want to see how it's made. As much as I love crafting meat into shapes with my hands and squeezing it into plastic casing, I like eating sausage a whole lot more, so I'll leave that process a mystery.



Ostrich Legal Advocate: Ostriches are always getting in trouble with the police. Third-degree pecking, resisting arrest, soliciting, etc. It would feel pretty good to offer them the opportunity for good representation in court, but then I'd have to go to law school and then I'd have to read lots of legal briefs and court cases, and I'm terrified of paper cuts, so that's a no.



So what am I to do? I don't want to just drift between the couch (where I plop each afternoon to watch my soaps) and the refrigerator (which I open each day at least ten times a day due to my OCD) for the remainder of my days. I think I'll end up forming an exploratory committee to run for president this weekend, in between ice skating and avoiding karaoke (is it hypocritical to love American Idol but hate karaoke? I'll leave that up to my critics to judge), as a last resort if I don't come up with anything better to do in the meantime. Bill Frist said today that he wasn't running, so that pretty much paves the way for my candidacy - still, I'm not sure.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry