I Have Caused Much Suffering

Front Page: I feel pretty bad about having "died." I mean, sure, I miss my wife and kids and I wish they knew that I'm still kicking around. And I'm kind of angry at McCain - he paid me a bazillion dollars to keep me from running for election, and the next thing he does is ardently back Bush's troop surge? Yeah, agreeing with Bush is electoral gold, John. Way to torpedo yourself. Are you going to convert to Mormonism next?

But the person I feel most bad about is the person who seems mostly deeply affected by my untimely "demise."



That's right, Britney Spears. Apparently, I am to her as Diana Ross is to Michael Jackson.

Now, I have to tell her that I was not completely bald. If she'd wanted to duplicate my look, she should have left plenty of hair on either side. Like so:



A forgivable mistake, though. I mean, come on - she's in mourning, and it's all my fault. Part of me is tempted to send some communication to her, but the McCain campaign (hey, that rhymes!) told me I can't get in touch with the outside world; I can only use my blog. But if anyone who reads this knows her, tell her that I'm okay, all right? Oh, and that I wore underwear whenever I went out partying.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry