From the Beyond

Gerry's Corner: Surprised to hear from me? Yes, after an appropriate pause to celebrate my many accomplishments - like squeezing Alaska on to a single plaque, above - I've decided to start posting again. You see, I'm not actually dead. I faked my death, at the request of the McCain campaign. Someone on his staff was reading my blog, and discovered that I was setting up an exploratory committee to seek the presidency in 2008. Well, that sure set off a panic! They offered me eleventy bajillion dollars to fake my death and go into hiding for the rest of my days. While I'm sad that I won't be able to get elected now, there is a plus side: I can go anywhere, do anything! No more pesky doctors telling me I can't do what I want - I'm putting the can back in can't, faithful readers. True, I can't make actual appearances or tell people I'm Gerald R. Ford, but that didn't seem to do much for me when I was "alive," anyway. Now, I can travel incognito - I used half a bajillion dollars to get myself a stealth bomber so that I could go from place to place without detection. I have a shadow staff, made up of the last several failed presidential candidates:

Dukakis is my pilot,



Dole is his wingman,



and Kerry practices telling me jokes so he won't botch them anymore.



My favorite part about all my memorials was the National Day of Morning that President Bush declared on my behalf. That was great - I got to eat breakfast food for all three meals!

So what have I done with my newfound freedom? Well, I didn't have to attend my school's Igloo Preparation Emergency, thank God. I heard it was terrible - warm weather, wet mittens, boxed yak sandwiches for lunch every day. Ugh. I can't think of a worse fate, especially because one of the most important events in the history of time and space was taking place at the exact same time. That's right, the inauguration of Nancy Pelosi as the first female Speaker of the House. It was truly the single greatest ceremony that I or any person has ever been to. Of course, I know I'm completely understating things. In my official rankings of Great Things, I would put it like this, I think:

3. The discovery of fire
2. God inventing the dinosaurs
1. Nancy Pelosi's inauguration as the first female Speaker of the House

I have been peeing my pants with excitement since I got word from my secret staff that I'd be able to attend. I got a fantastic disguise for this outing: I went as Richard Gere, which was pretty interesting. I met this one woman who seemed a little off-kilter. Her handshake was so fierce that it threw me off balance a little, so I had to catch myself by grabbing her hand with my other hand. You would have thought that she'd won the 1933 national college football championship - she was that excited. It was pretty startling - I guess I should have been a Buddhist actor if I'd wanted that much adulation. And she told me all about how her son worked for Pelosi, so I acted like I knew him, which made it seem like she'd won both the 1933 and the 1934 national college football championships. Sheesh. Talk about enthusiasm!

Anyway, not even she could take away from the amazing, amazing time I had. To see Nancy Pelosi surrounded by all the freshman Congressmen, well, it was pretty special. I mean, I always thought women (besides Not-Betty) belonged in the kitchen or in stirrups, plopping out the children. It is shocking to know that a woman could even have the strength to lift the Gavel of Congress like she did (believe me - it's heavy).



I do worry about Nancy Pelosi, though - her reign might not last too long if her eyes explode, which I think might happen at any second.



So, it's good to be back - don't let the secret out that I'm alive and well, please. My wife would kill me.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry