The Suitors

Gerry's Corner: Well, I certainly don't use my time very wisely here in the "afterlife"! For the last eleven days, I've been doing lots of work - reading and writing and attending classes at my policy school in secret - but it's no excuse for not blogging. I mean, I definitely should have given up those other things before making you, gentle readers, sit by your computers and hit 'refresh' for a week and a half. I'm sorry - my priorities will never be this messed up again. Ever.

Front Page: The big news this week has been the official announcements of the two biggest Democratic candidates - Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton - that they're running for president. Or, sorry, "setting up exploratory committees," which is such bull - back in my day, when someone set up an exploratory committee, they were hitching up dogsleds to try and reach one of the poles.

Anyway, I want you to watch the videos that Obama and Clinton posted on their websites. Here is Obama's. And here is Hillary's. As with all politics, the style is much more compelling than the substance. Ignore what they're saying - watch their body language, listen for their inflection. Obama appears to be in a nicely furnished detective's office, with what looks like fat blinds over his left shoulder. He never smiles, emitting gravitas. I get the sense, though, that he is a happier gentleman than he lets on here. Bill Clinton and Ron Reagan had the ability to maintain a twinkle in the eye, even when they were telling us the most serious news. Obama's close, but he doesn't have that yet. The good news for him is that he's got, like, thirteen years before the next election, so there's plenty of time to evolve.

Now, compare his video with Hillary's. The first, middle, and last impression you get is that she's a lady. Not a woman, but a lady. The only way it could have come across more strongly is if she'd appeared in Mom Jeans. She actually says, "Let's chat." She clutches a pillow like she's at a slumber party dishing secrets from her diary. Where's her International House coffee and her reminiscences about Jean-Luc? And check out the secondary videos on each site - Obama has a tear-jerking biography video that made me not only want to vote for him, but to hold him close and caress him as only another man can. Clinton's other video is from her appearance on The View. Why is she doing that to herself? She's supposed to be tough and firm - that's what makes her presidential. Trying to transform herself into President Stay-at-Home is (a) fooling no one and (b) not ever going to get her elected.

Either way, neither Obama's nor Clinton's video holds a candle to the one that I put on my website back in 1975 when I announced that I would seek election. Check mine out here.

Back to Gerry's Corner: There are other folks competing for my interest besides presidential candidates of course. And those are Liz's three potential mates in For Better or For Worse. Let's review the options:

There's Guy-With-Girlfriend...



...the Blonde-She-Likes...



...and the Guy-Who-Has-to-Commute-All-the-Way-From-Kerrytown-Every-Day.



Now, I've been a big fan of Guy-With-Girlfriend, and am especially a fan of him now, given that he managed to escape the siren call of Liz Patterson. The Blonde-She-Likes is frankly appalling, but a budding relationship with him feels as inevitable as the explosion of the sun billions of years from now. I don't know what we're supposed to get from Helicopter-Man. He likes to live inconveniently, having to travel by chopper, which stinks. On the other hand, he's made it clear that he would never live in a place as low and classless as the Undergrad Ghetto. Still, I don't get good vibes from him. Really, none of these cats are suitable matches for Liz. I nominate two others:

Sweet Barry Manilow...



...or The Trainer.



I can see Barry Manilow being soft and gentle, pressing his plastic face closer to hers until his plastic lips make contact, which he can only tell by seeing that her face is being squashed, since multiple surgeries have left him without a sense of touch. But look how he scans the crowd at his concert, searching for his one true Canadian love.

At the same time, it would be pretty sweet to have someone like The Trainer whip Liz into shape. He wouldn't take all this dithering about and carrying on and living at home. No, their relationship would be intense, passionate. Think Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock in Speed. Eh...maybe Sandra Bullock and Jason Patric in Speed 2. Orrrrr maybe Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy.

I'm sick of this courting business. Everyone just get together already! Pick someone and get on with your lives!

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry