True Patriots

Front Page: The news sure is hot off the press today! My hands feel like they're sizzling - or maybe that's just the psychotropic drugs I stole from Paris Hilton when she was at the clinic yesterday. But you know what? It's probably just the news - it's that amazing today. And you know what else? I'm glad that journalists aren't trying to sensationalize the news, either. They just report the facts with integrity and dreams of Pulitzers. Take, for instance, this headline on CNN.com:

Boy, 11, kicks hawk in face to save his puppy

There's a video that I can't link to because I'm old and I don't understand technology, but what a story! Real - chest-thumping - American. Yeah! Kick that hawk's ass (or face, whichever) to save the puppy. Here's what I think: we should replace the bald eagle with the puppy as the new symbol of America. Think about it! Who doesn't love puppies? Probably the same cave-dwellers who don't love America, that's who. Boys who fight for puppies will grow up to fight for us and our traditional values. Boys who fight for birds with large talons will probably end up with a lot of scratch marks.



The next item concerns me: apparently, Dennis Kucinich is running for president. Now, there are a lot of things that rhyme with Kucinich - spinach, finished, Greenwich - but 'winner' isn't one of them. You might be thinking the same thing as I am: what does this mean for a Ford candidacy? Well, not much. Everyone in the field will seem moderate compared to that nutjob. But the fact that so many people are already making noise about exploratory committees and visits to New Hampshire is going to force me to speed up the timeframe of my decision. I will declare whether I will run or not after the holidays.

Finally, you all know that I've been devastated by the break-up of Britney and Kevin Federline. The gays have struck again! In particular, I'm concerned about potential geniuses Sean Preston and Jayden James. Now, people have been standing up for Britney's parenting skills. Unfortunately, that support isn't really coming from a particularly thoughtful source. And shouldn't Santa be getting gifts for those impressionable children, instead of sluts?

Well, I think I have a solution, people. Clearly, Britney and K-Fed are not suitable parents, but you can't put their beautiful and talented progeny in a foster care system. So who should take on the responsibility of raising this child? I think you know where I'm heading:



That's right! Brangelina, take care of the children! You're already raising two adopted children, one of your own, and all of Africa! Why not two more of the neediest? This needs to happen. Do it for the future of America!

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry