Now This?! What Next?!

Front Page: I was floored when I saw the New York Times this morning. It featured a puff piece - as all New York Times articles are, since Judith Miller and Jayson Blair left - on Homeland Security's new secret weapon.



That's right, we're arming dolphins now. Don't they see the slippery slope down which this could lead?!

When I was president, we never allowed the Second Amendment to be desecrated like this - simply, for aquatic creatures, bearing arms is a privilege, not a right. But now we're treating these dolphins as though they're our allies. How do we know that? Did that good-for-nothing mole Flipper finally score us some valuable information? I doubt it.

More likely, just as we've seen in the Middle East, the weapons we give those dolphins will probably just get used against us. They'll wait for global warming to cause a rise in the oceans so that they can infiltrate our territory more easily, and then they'll strike with the lasers that we just gave to them. Boom - we're dead from dolphin attack.

Plus, those guys are smart. Who wants to bet that they develop nuclear technology before either North Korea or Iran? Let's send weapons inspectors underwater as soon as we can - we might already be too late. The only other possibility is to use another undercover agent who can work his way unnoticed into the hierarchy of the dolphin regime and shift their attitudes towards Americans. I think there's only one man for the job.



There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry