Operating Without a Net

Well, what do I do now?

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with Rick (Nixon) shortly after he left office. (That's right, I called him Rick. Doesn't Rick Nixon sound much better than the alternatives?) Anyway, we were on the phone...



Me: It's weird to not have you around the White House.



Rick: Tell me about it. Do you understand how much ice cream I've eaten these last few days?

Me: Well, if you get addicted to ice cream, you should call my wife, Not-Betty, in a few years when she sets up her own rehab clinic.

Rick: Solid idea. Anyway, what were you saying?

Me: Oh, right. It's just odd to do this presidency thing on my own without you around as my muse. Like, before, I'd just sit around the Vice-President's residence and kind of practice what you were doing that day - recite your speeches in front of the mirror, sign pieces of paper that looked kind of like your official documents, stuff like that.

Rick: That's a little creepy, to be honest, Gerry.

Me: Well, I didn't do it entirely straight all the time, Rick. Sometimes, we'd make fun, but we figured you would never find out about it and it would be all good.

Rick: You'd make fun of me? For what?

Me: Well, you know how you wave your hands with the peace sign? We'd do that but with just one finger.



Rick: Wait - how did you find out that I do that move?

Me: What do you mean?

Rick: I've never showed you that move. Did Pat tell you about it so you could make fun?

Me: ...Are you kidding, Rick? You were the President - the media takes pictures of you.

Rick: Holy crap - those photographers publish the pictures they take of me?!

Me: Am I having this conversation? Of course. You're - well, you were the leader of the free world. What did you expect?

Rick: I dunno, I just kind of assumed that the whole Watergate thing and all my embarassing mannerisms and taped conversations - I thought they'd let that go. Sweep it under the rug. Keep it on the down-low. I mean, who would be interested in my stupid little presidency?

Me: Everybody, I guess. You've been all over the papers and the television for a while. Surely you must have realized...

Rick: I swear I had no idea! I mean, wait - you're still my friend and everything, Gerry, right? I mean, the resigning and the ordering the break-in? I was KIDDING about all that. That was just to dramatize my life.

Me: But...it all actually happened.

Rick: But I embellished!

Me: The FBI disagrees, I think.

Rick: Well, can you pardon me?

Me: Sigh. I guess I could do that. I mean, I know you weren't trying to be mean. You were just being all oblivious to the ramifications of getting caught.

Rick: Phew. Thanks. I'll be back in the office on Monday.

Me: ...Wait, Rick? You're still not President.

Rick: What? But you pardoned me!

Me: That just means you won't go to jail.

Rick: ...Oh.

For a while after I became President, I didn't know what to do with myself every morning. Then, Not-Betty suggested that I fill my time with eating breakfast and doing presidential stuff. I got through it. So will you.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry