Pour One Out For Max

Front Page: I'm sure most of you have already heard the news, but in case you haven't, here it is. When I was woken up by an aide to tell me that this tragedy had happened, I sprung into immediate action, consulting with the Department of Homeland Security to determine whether terrorism had been involved, calling Max's loved ones to express my condolences and my sympathies, and trying to determine where would be the best place for Max to lie in state. It wasn't until today, however, when I saw the headline on CNN.com, that the emotional impact really hit me. I burst into tears. I'm a tough guy, but I just can't contain my sorrow when someone loses his pet. (By the way, I'm not the only president sobbing lately.) I remember the heartache I felt when our dog Liberty died. It was different from when our kids' gerbils - Justice, Freedom, America, and little Spiro Agnew - passed away. We'd expected it, and I always found them hard to love. But when we came home that Saturday afternoon and found out that Liberty had dragged the Christmas lights out of the box in the garage, draped them over a rafter and hung herself - well, when your pet does that, it really gets you. If only Liberty had had the common courtesy to leave a note.



Now, from what I know of things, Max did not commit suicide. He apparently died of natural causes, though we're still looking into whether Russian poison may have been involved. But regardless, Max lived a good, full life. The last time I talked to Clooney a few years ago, Max had been wasting some time lying in mud and eating his own feces. Well, I guess that was rock bottom, because Max soon turned a corner - he gave up some of his mud time. Not all of it - remember, it's not about denial, but moderation. He still ate his own feces, but he had more time for things like writing policy recommendations about terrorism for the Defense Department. He was a true American, that Max, and this is a grade A national tragedy.

Please - make sure you hug your kids extra hard tonight. Not as hard as, like, a boa constrictor would, but I think you know what I mean. Unless you are in fact a boa constrictor, in which case, congratulations on figuring out how to access the magical internet and learning to read!

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry