Oh, Disappointment

Front Page: Well, I watched the President's address the other night and I was saddened to discover that, once again, Michigan was not selected as the state of the union. Indeed, Bush could have really helped ol' Michigan out, given their recent throes of economic depression. Indeed, the day after Pfizer decided to eliminate all their jobs in the state, my motor company announced that they'd lost some money. I'm at a loss to explain why my cars aren't selling - perhaps more folks are commuting on unicycle?



Here's what I've discovered, through careful reading of the news about my motor company: those fourth-quarter losses are really no big deal. All they have to do is find the couple billion dollars they lost in the first place. I mean, how many places could it all be? The executives should just try and think back to when they last had it, and then that'll lead them right to the pile of cash. I bet it's probably at some fancy restaurant or something. I know I always used to leave my wallet behind - thank goodness for the Secret Service's wallet detail. Actually, that guy ended up marrying (and then divorcing) my daughter, so I'm not that grateful for him.

More soon, including the first chapter of the story of Gerry and Betty.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry

The Suitors

Gerry's Corner: Well, I certainly don't use my time very wisely here in the "afterlife"! For the last eleven days, I've been doing lots of work - reading and writing and attending classes at my policy school in secret - but it's no excuse for not blogging. I mean, I definitely should have given up those other things before making you, gentle readers, sit by your computers and hit 'refresh' for a week and a half. I'm sorry - my priorities will never be this messed up again. Ever.

Front Page: The big news this week has been the official announcements of the two biggest Democratic candidates - Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton - that they're running for president. Or, sorry, "setting up exploratory committees," which is such bull - back in my day, when someone set up an exploratory committee, they were hitching up dogsleds to try and reach one of the poles.

Anyway, I want you to watch the videos that Obama and Clinton posted on their websites. Here is Obama's. And here is Hillary's. As with all politics, the style is much more compelling than the substance. Ignore what they're saying - watch their body language, listen for their inflection. Obama appears to be in a nicely furnished detective's office, with what looks like fat blinds over his left shoulder. He never smiles, emitting gravitas. I get the sense, though, that he is a happier gentleman than he lets on here. Bill Clinton and Ron Reagan had the ability to maintain a twinkle in the eye, even when they were telling us the most serious news. Obama's close, but he doesn't have that yet. The good news for him is that he's got, like, thirteen years before the next election, so there's plenty of time to evolve.

Now, compare his video with Hillary's. The first, middle, and last impression you get is that she's a lady. Not a woman, but a lady. The only way it could have come across more strongly is if she'd appeared in Mom Jeans. She actually says, "Let's chat." She clutches a pillow like she's at a slumber party dishing secrets from her diary. Where's her International House coffee and her reminiscences about Jean-Luc? And check out the secondary videos on each site - Obama has a tear-jerking biography video that made me not only want to vote for him, but to hold him close and caress him as only another man can. Clinton's other video is from her appearance on The View. Why is she doing that to herself? She's supposed to be tough and firm - that's what makes her presidential. Trying to transform herself into President Stay-at-Home is (a) fooling no one and (b) not ever going to get her elected.

Either way, neither Obama's nor Clinton's video holds a candle to the one that I put on my website back in 1975 when I announced that I would seek election. Check mine out here.

Back to Gerry's Corner: There are other folks competing for my interest besides presidential candidates of course. And those are Liz's three potential mates in For Better or For Worse. Let's review the options:

There's Guy-With-Girlfriend...



...the Blonde-She-Likes...



...and the Guy-Who-Has-to-Commute-All-the-Way-From-Kerrytown-Every-Day.



Now, I've been a big fan of Guy-With-Girlfriend, and am especially a fan of him now, given that he managed to escape the siren call of Liz Patterson. The Blonde-She-Likes is frankly appalling, but a budding relationship with him feels as inevitable as the explosion of the sun billions of years from now. I don't know what we're supposed to get from Helicopter-Man. He likes to live inconveniently, having to travel by chopper, which stinks. On the other hand, he's made it clear that he would never live in a place as low and classless as the Undergrad Ghetto. Still, I don't get good vibes from him. Really, none of these cats are suitable matches for Liz. I nominate two others:

Sweet Barry Manilow...



...or The Trainer.



I can see Barry Manilow being soft and gentle, pressing his plastic face closer to hers until his plastic lips make contact, which he can only tell by seeing that her face is being squashed, since multiple surgeries have left him without a sense of touch. But look how he scans the crowd at his concert, searching for his one true Canadian love.

At the same time, it would be pretty sweet to have someone like The Trainer whip Liz into shape. He wouldn't take all this dithering about and carrying on and living at home. No, their relationship would be intense, passionate. Think Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock in Speed. Eh...maybe Sandra Bullock and Jason Patric in Speed 2. Orrrrr maybe Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy.

I'm sick of this courting business. Everyone just get together already! Pick someone and get on with your lives!

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry

From the Beyond

Gerry's Corner: Surprised to hear from me? Yes, after an appropriate pause to celebrate my many accomplishments - like squeezing Alaska on to a single plaque, above - I've decided to start posting again. You see, I'm not actually dead. I faked my death, at the request of the McCain campaign. Someone on his staff was reading my blog, and discovered that I was setting up an exploratory committee to seek the presidency in 2008. Well, that sure set off a panic! They offered me eleventy bajillion dollars to fake my death and go into hiding for the rest of my days. While I'm sad that I won't be able to get elected now, there is a plus side: I can go anywhere, do anything! No more pesky doctors telling me I can't do what I want - I'm putting the can back in can't, faithful readers. True, I can't make actual appearances or tell people I'm Gerald R. Ford, but that didn't seem to do much for me when I was "alive," anyway. Now, I can travel incognito - I used half a bajillion dollars to get myself a stealth bomber so that I could go from place to place without detection. I have a shadow staff, made up of the last several failed presidential candidates:

Dukakis is my pilot,



Dole is his wingman,



and Kerry practices telling me jokes so he won't botch them anymore.



My favorite part about all my memorials was the National Day of Morning that President Bush declared on my behalf. That was great - I got to eat breakfast food for all three meals!

So what have I done with my newfound freedom? Well, I didn't have to attend my school's Igloo Preparation Emergency, thank God. I heard it was terrible - warm weather, wet mittens, boxed yak sandwiches for lunch every day. Ugh. I can't think of a worse fate, especially because one of the most important events in the history of time and space was taking place at the exact same time. That's right, the inauguration of Nancy Pelosi as the first female Speaker of the House. It was truly the single greatest ceremony that I or any person has ever been to. Of course, I know I'm completely understating things. In my official rankings of Great Things, I would put it like this, I think:

3. The discovery of fire
2. God inventing the dinosaurs
1. Nancy Pelosi's inauguration as the first female Speaker of the House

I have been peeing my pants with excitement since I got word from my secret staff that I'd be able to attend. I got a fantastic disguise for this outing: I went as Richard Gere, which was pretty interesting. I met this one woman who seemed a little off-kilter. Her handshake was so fierce that it threw me off balance a little, so I had to catch myself by grabbing her hand with my other hand. You would have thought that she'd won the 1933 national college football championship - she was that excited. It was pretty startling - I guess I should have been a Buddhist actor if I'd wanted that much adulation. And she told me all about how her son worked for Pelosi, so I acted like I knew him, which made it seem like she'd won both the 1933 and the 1934 national college football championships. Sheesh. Talk about enthusiasm!

Anyway, not even she could take away from the amazing, amazing time I had. To see Nancy Pelosi surrounded by all the freshman Congressmen, well, it was pretty special. I mean, I always thought women (besides Not-Betty) belonged in the kitchen or in stirrups, plopping out the children. It is shocking to know that a woman could even have the strength to lift the Gavel of Congress like she did (believe me - it's heavy).



I do worry about Nancy Pelosi, though - her reign might not last too long if her eyes explode, which I think might happen at any second.



So, it's good to be back - don't let the secret out that I'm alive and well, please. My wife would kill me.

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe,
Gerry